


God Fucking Dammit Hinata

by lia_but_dying



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: F/F, Gay, Group chat, M/M, Mainly crack, Memes, Mentions of Sexism, More characters to be added, Multiple Group Chats, Offensive humour, Some angst?, This is shambles, a mess, cancerous memes, dark humour, mentions or homophobia, plot?, pretty gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-07
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-06-23 12:05:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15605904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lia_but_dying/pseuds/lia_but_dying
Summary: YamaGUCCI: omg stopxyeisjkHigh Cholesterol: this is what simpleton culture looks likeHigh Cholesterol has changed Kageyama Tobio to DumbHigh Cholesterol has changed Hinata Shoyo to DumberBaldy™️: who the hell gave Tsukishima admin privilegesDad2.0: you’re the one who added him Tanaka.Baldy™️: shit my badHigh Cholesterol has changed Baldy™️ to Dumbest





	1. Daichi’s gon have a heart attack fr

**Author's Note:**

> Istg this is only because it’s summer break and I’m bored. I’m british so writing Mum as ‘mom’ is killing me.
> 
> This is my first official fan fic btw but be written a lot before. I may add some of my poems in the future...
> 
> OGDaddy: Dachi  
> OGMom: Suga  
> Goatee: Asahi  
> BestGirl: Shimuzu  
> RollingThunder™️: Noya  
> Baldy™️/Dumbest: Tanaka  
> Dad2.0: Ennoshita  
> High Cholesterol: Tsukishima  
> YamaGUCCI: Yamaguchi  
> Dumb: Kageyama  
> Dumber: Hinata  
> ThePurestBean: Yachi

Baldy™️ has added Yamaguchi Tadashi, Tsukishima Kei, Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shoyo and Yachi Hitoka to KarASSuno’s Volleyball Club 4 Loners

Baldy™️: welcome to our secret society

RollingThunder™️: Ryu they haven’t completed the initiation yet 

Baldy™️: it doesn’t matter coz hinata already saw me texting the group and wouldn’t leave me alone til I added him 

RollingThunder™️: weakkkk  
RollingThunder™️: anyways welcum ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Tsukishima Kei: yeah no. 

Tsukishima Kei has left the chat

OGDaddy has added Tsukishima Kei to the chat 

OGDaddy: you will suffer with the rest of us 

Tsukishima Kei: ffs

Goatee: rip

RollingThunder™️ has changed Tsukishima Kei to High Cholesterol 

High Cholesterol: …

Yamaguchi Tadashi: he’s not wrong tho

High Cholesterol: shut up Yamaguchi 

Yamaguchi Tadashi: nah. You’ve got no power over text I’m not apologising bitch

Goatee: rip

RollingThunder™️ has changed Yamaguchi Tadashi to YamaGUCCI

OGMom: who would have thought Yamaguchi was secretly savage 

RollingThunder™️: we been knew. Tsukishima’s salt probably rubbed off on him for years 

Baldy™️: speaking of Tsukishima where’d he go tho

RollingThunder™️: probably crying cause someone was rude to him 

Goatee: rip

Dad2.0: nah he’s just staring at his phone probably shook that Yamaguchi savaged him on the gc

Goatee: rip

OGMom: is that all you’re gonna say Asahi?

Goatee: yh pretty much tbh

OGMom: welp

Baldy™️: but where’s Hinata tho? He asked me to add him and he’s not even here smh

BestGirl: They’re practicing as per usual 

RollingThunder™️: the Goddess™️ hath spoketh

Baldy™️: god bless 

Dad2.0: spoketh

RollingThunder™️: shhhh

BestGirl: I told you not to call me that and it’s a group chat. I didn’t even open my mouth 

Baldy™️: the Goddess™️ hath texteth

BestGirl: …

Yachi Hitoka: Hinata and Kageyama have finished practicing and are getting changed now. Hello btw

BestGirl: Hello Hitoka, how was practice?

Yachi Hitoka: it was fine but they had another argument and aren’t talking rn

OGDaddy: again? About what?

Yachi Hitoka: about how Hinata should stop being so demanding or something like that. I ran out half way through trying to look for you guys but no one is here 

High Cholesterol: he is too needy

RollingThunder™️: look who’s back from sulking 

High Cholesterol: shut. the. fuck. up.

OGDaddy: language. We don’t want to taint Yachi.

OGMom has changed Yachi Hitoka to ThePurestBean

Hinata Shoyo: oooohhhhh group chat cooolll

High Cholesterol: fuck it’s starting 

Hinata Shoyo: im gonna guess and say that’s Tsukishima…

RollingThunder™️: bingo. Welcum Shoyo  
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Goatee: welcome* to hell 

Kageyama Tobio: why the hell do I have so many notifications

High Cholesterol: and the other idiot is here

Kageyama Tobio: who tf are you?

YamaGUCCI: its Tsukki. Ignore him. He’s just extra salty cause I didn’t apologise to him

High Cholesterol: …

Goatee: rip 

Hinata Shoyo: damn what did I miss.

Dad2.0: a shit ton

Kageyama Tobio: …

Hinata Shoyo: ….

Kageyama Tobio: …..

Hinata Shoyo: ……

Kageyama Tobio: …….

Hinata Shoyo: …..

YamaGUCCI: omg stopxyeisjk

High Cholesterol: this is what simpleton culture looks like

High Cholesterol has changed Kageyama Tobio to Dumb

High Cholesterol has changed Hinata Shoyo to Dumber 

Baldy™️: who the hell gave Tsukishima admin privileges

Dad2.0: you’re the one who added him Tanaka.

Baldy™️: shit my bad

High Cholesterol has changed Baldy™️ to Dumbest

Dumbest: I removed the him from the admins 

OGMom: wait if you had admin privileges why didn’t you change your name back?

YamaGUCCI: because he knows the name suits him cause he’s a salty dick

High Cholesterol: …

Goatee: rip

RollingThunder™️: salty dick lmoaaaa

OGDaddy: this chat is giving me high blood pressure I’m gonna go lay down…

OGDaddy has gone offline 

Goatee: rip

OGMom: istg Asahi

Goatee: ok ok I’m sorry pls don’t hit me again

YamaGUCCI: rip

OGMom: don’t you fucking start 

Dumb: this chat is a fucking mess

High Cholesterol: for once I actually agree with him

OGMom: OMG the kids had a bonding moment I gotta screenshot this and send it to Daichi

OGMom has gone offline 

High Cholesterol: …

High Cholesterol has gone offline 

YamaGUCCI: imma go make sure he isn’t having an aneurysm or smth

YamaGUCCI has gone offline 

Dumbest: well this died quickly 

Goatee: rip 

RollingThunder™️: yup…  
RollingThunder™️: @Goatee @Dumbest im goin on Fortnite come join my team

Dumbest: aight

Goatee: k

Dumbest has gone offline  
Goatee has gone offline 

BestGirl: Hitoka, I need to sort out a few things with funding, do you wanna help?

ThePurestBean: yh ok.

BestGirl has gone offline  
ThePurestBean has gone offline 

Dumber: …

Dumb: …

Dumber: umm… btw Kageyama u put ur boxer shorts in my bag by mistake 

Dumb: shit I’ll come and get them

Dumber: I will just give them to you tomorrow don’t come 

Dumb: im already omw. Don’t touch them!  
Dumb: or wear them…

Dumber: why tf would I wear them!

Dumb: I dunno you are weird af just don’t do anything I’ll be there in ten!

Dumb has gone offline 

Dumber: jfc 

Dumber has gone offline 

Dad2.0: well rip

Dad2.0 has gone offline


	2. GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dumbest: why am I Dumbest when I know how to spell tf.
> 
> Dumbest has changed their name to Smarter Than You
> 
> Dad2.0: I don’t think it takes much intelligence to be smarter than and Hinata and Kageyama 
> 
> YamaGUCCI: ^
> 
> High Cholesterol: ^^
> 
> OGMom: ^^^
> 
> Goatee: ^^^^
> 
> BestGirl: ^^^^^
> 
> ThePurestBean: ^^^^^^
> 
> Smarter Than You: the disrespect is real

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter in one night oh dear. This is so shit god kill me plss. This has some plot I swear 
> 
> Usernames:  
> OGDaddy: Dachi  
> OGMom: Suga  
> Goatee: Asahi  
> BestGirl: Shimuzu  
> RollingThunder™️: Noya  
> Dumbest/Smarter Than You: Tanaka  
> Dad2.0: Ennoshita  
> High Cholesterol: Tsukishima  
> YamaGUCCI: Yamaguchi  
> Dumb: Kageyama  
> Dumber: Hinata  
> ThePurestBean: Yachi

[03.12]

High Cholesterol: did your highness get his precious underwear back?

Dumb: stfu Tsukishima nobody likes you 

Goatee: well then.

OGDaddy: tf is 3am can y’all go tf to sleep why are you awake anyway

OGMom: you’re awake too Daichi. Btw how’s your blood pressure? Back to normal or?

OGDaddy: barely. 

OGMom: take your meds jc 

OGDaddy: yeah I will dw

Goatee: such a caring wife 

OGMom: y’all hear smnm?

RollingThunder™️: oof

Dad2.0: I take it Tsukishima didn’t have an aneurysm then

YamaGUCCI: he nearly did tbh. When I went to his room he was in his bed face in pillow listening to MCR. Thought he died 

Dumb: shoulda died tbh  
Dumb: and who tf still listens to My Chemical Romance in 2k18  
Dumb: sad. They’re never gonna get back together you emo 

High Cholesterol: stfu

YamaGUCCI: Tsukki’s emo phase began in 5th grade and never ended. Quite sad

RollingThunder™️: This is so sad. Alexa, play Despacito

Dumbest: Despacito 2*

BestGirl: both of you stop.

High Cholesterol: Yamaguchi you listen to emo trap. And kpop. You’re not one to talk 

Dumber: Kageyama also listens to emo trap =(^.^)=

Dumb: did you come online just to expose me dumbass? And wtf is that thing?

Dumber: wtf is what thing? ( T_T)＼(^-^ )

Dumb: that it’s hidious 

Dumber: hideious* learn how to spell idiot

High Cholesterol: It’s hideous you complete and utter neanderthals 

Dumb: … 

Dumber: …

Goatee: can I Suga?

OGMom: go ahead.

Goatee: rip™️

Dumbest: why am I Dumbest when I know how to spell tf.

Dumbest has changed their name to Smarter Than You

Dad2.0: I don’t think it takes much intelligence to be smarter than and Hinata and Kageyama 

YamaGUCCI: ^

High Cholesterol: ^^

OGMom: ^^^

Goatee: ^^^^

BestGirl: ^^^^^

ThePurestBean: ^^^^^^

Smarter Than You: the disrespect is real

BestGirl: Hitoka? I thought you’d be asleep?

ThePurestBean: I was but all these notifications woke me up.

BestGirl: oh. Everyone go to sleep now.

OGDaddy: you idiots woke her up. Now go tf to sleep.

Goatee: you were one of the first people to respond…

OGDaddy: y’all hear smnm?

Goatee: gn…

Goatee has gone offline 

High Cholesterol: ok but Kageyama never answered my question.

Dumb: yes I got them back why tf do you care so much?

High Cholesterol: hmm no reason gn…

High Cholesterol has gone offline 

Dumb: tf is that supposed to mean? 

Dumber: it means your an idiot (^_^)

OGDaddy: you’re* and istg go to sleep or I will break both your phones with my bare hands…

Dumb has gone offline  
Dumber has gone offline 

OGMom: go to sleep too. You don’t wanna have a heart attack do you?

OGDaddy: I don’t think I’m gonna live past 20… gn

OGDaddy has gone offline 

OGMom: Jesus Christ Daichi 

OGMom: has gone offline 

BestGirl: sleep well Hitoka.

BestGirl has gone offline 

ThePurestBean: you too 

ThePurestBean has gone offline  
YamaGUCCI has gone offline 

RollingThunder™️: now that they’re gone do u know what that means???

Smarter Than You: meme spam???

RollingThunder™️: hell yeahh 

Dad2.0: GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP

RollingThunder™️: goddammit 

RollingThunder™️ has gone offline  
Smarter Than You has gone offline 

Dad2.0: now I know why Daichi has high blood pressure fuck 

Dad2.0 has gone offline

[04.48] 

RollingThunder™️ has come online 

RollingThunder™️: are we just gonna ignore the fact that Yamaguchi listens to kpop hhshhss 

Dad2.0: Nishinoya I swear to fucking kamisama I will end you.

RollingThunder™️: kamisama

Dad2.0: …

RollingThunder™️: gn

RollingThunder™️ has gone offline   
Dad2.0 has gone offline 

[05.31] 

YamaGUCCI has come online   
YamaGUCCI: what’s wrong with kpop ;-;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is shorter than chapter one. I should be sleeping but updating this shambolic piece of shit seems more fitting tbh


	3. Rendezvous at Starbucks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dumb: I would have but Hinata kept waking me up with his moaning 
> 
> Dad2.0: ummmm
> 
> OGDaddy: his what?
> 
> Dumb: his moaning. He’s so loud ffs
> 
> High Cholesterol: lmaoooooooo
> 
> Goatee: Tsukishima? Laughed?
> 
> YamaGUCCI: he’s actually chuckling y’all I’m shooketh
> 
> OGMom: elaborate pls Kageyama? And what type of moaning?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit short but things will pick up after this I promise 
> 
> OGDaddy: Dachi  
> OGMom: Suga  
> Goatee: Asahi  
> BestGirl: Shimuzu  
> RollingThunder™️: Noya  
> Dumbest/Smarter Than You: Tanaka  
> Dad2.0: Ennoshita  
> High Cholesterol: Tsukishima  
> YamaGUCCI: Yamaguchi  
> Dumb/Gay: Kageyama  
> Dumber/Gayer: Hinata  
> ThePurestBean: Yachi

[05:37]

High Cholesterol: everything is wrong with kpop Yamaguchi

Smarter Than You: ^

RollingThunder™️: ^

OGMom: ^

Goatee: ^

OGMom: Asahi you literally have Twice as your lock screen 

Goatee: I know and I’m ashamed of it leave me alone 

——

[07:05]

OGDaddy: omg thank you Ennoshita I swear if I woke up to 50+ memes I would have offed myself 

Dad2.0: np I would do the same tbh

OGDaddy: ok but did you guys get some sleep because we have practice this afternoon and I can’t have y’all passing out 

OGDaddy: wait nvm I back logged why tf do you people not sleep

Smarter Than You: my sister keeps bringing boys over at 2am

RollingThunder™️: gaming

Goatee: insomnia 

High Cholesterol: depression 

OGDaddy: rip

Dumb: I would have but Hinata kept waking me up with his moaning 

Dad2.0: ummmm

OGDaddy: his what?

Dumb: his moaning. He’s so loud ffs

High Cholesterol: lmaoooooooo

Goatee: Tsukishima? Laughed?

YamaGUCCI: he’s actually chuckling y’all I’m shooketh

OGMom: elaborate pls Kageyama? And what type of moaning?

Dumb: he kept complaining because I was in his bed and he was on the floor. It’s not like it was any fault anyway.

OGDaddy: Wait why are you in his house? Why tf are you in his bed? Why is he on the floor? What’s happening I’m so confused 

Goatee: I thought you had an argument? 

Dumb: we did but I stayed the night unfortunately…

RollingThunder™️: y’all fuking?

Goatee: Noya why ;-,

High Cholesterol: hhhshshshshshsh

OGMom: is he ok?

YamaGUCCI: you guys he’s fully cackling now I’m goneeeee

Smarter Than You: pics or it didn’t happen 

YamaGUCCI: im recording it dw it’s all gucci

OGDaddy: back to the story…

OGDaddy: Kageyama?

Dad2.0: You scared him away Noya ffs. Now we’ll never hear the tea

Goatee: is that all you care about Ennoshita?

Dad2.0: yup 

Goatee: gg

Dumber: y’all Kageyama’s face is beet red rn what happened?

Smarter Than You: holy shittu he’s here

OGMom: Hinata istg don’t back log.

Dumber: ?

OGMom: you’re still somewhat pure and we can’t taint that 

Dumber: ok?

BestGirl: Where are you guys? I thought you were going for a morning run? Hitoka and I are already here.

RollingThunder™️: shit we can’t keep the Goddess™️ waiting

Smarter Than You: indeed

RollingThunder™️ has gone offline  
Smarter Than You has gone offline 

Dumber: ok but seriously what happened?

OHDaddy: nothing much

Dad2.0: he’s probably just embarrassed because Nishinoya asked if you 2 were in a relationship or smth

Dumber: RELATIONSHIP WWHATTT NO

OGDaddy: ffs Ennoshita you ruined it

Dad2.0: I want tea and idc who it’s from

OGDaddy: ffs

Dad2.0 has changed Dumb to Gay

Dad2.0 has changed Dumber to Gayer

OGDaddy: I thought you were mature Ennoshita I’m disappointed 

Dad2.0: well u thought wrong

OGDaddy: …

YamaGUCCI: guys Tsukki started choking on his coffee I dunno what to do halp

OGMom: where are you 2?

YamaGUCCI: in Starbucks near school hurry ples

OGMom: Im nearly there just make sure he doesn’t die

OGMom has gone offline

YamaGUCCI has gone offline

BestGirl: We are at Starbucks now and Tsukishima is still choking

Goatee: I thought you were at school

BestGirl: I wanted a black coffee

OGDaddy: jfc ok everyone just meet at Starbucks then

Goatee: aight but what about Kageyama and Hinata?

OGDaddy: they will read this soon enough if they’re still alive that is

OGDaddy has gone offline

Goatee has gone offline

Dad2.0: Jesus when I said I wanted tea I did not mean it literally ffs I hate y’all sm istg

Dad2.0 has gone offline

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate the positive feedback y’all are posting tho fr


	4. Does Kageyama is Gay?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gay: firstly who changed my name and secondly don’t u have a gc with vodka and pudding
> 
> Goatee: “vodka”
> 
> OGMom: “pudding”
> 
> Gayer: that’s russianist
> 
> High Cholesterol: ‘russianist’
> 
> Dad2.0: I changed ur names because y’all gay af 
> 
> Smarter Than You: ^
> 
> Dad2.0: Tanaka you’re gay af too don’t
> 
> Goatee: arent we all gay af tho

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OGDaddy: Dachi  
> OGMom: Suga  
> Goatee/Recovering Alcoholic: Asahi  
> BestGirl: Shimuzu  
> RollingThunder™️: Noya  
> Dumbest/Smarter Than You: Tanaka  
> Dad2.0: Ennoshita  
> High Cholesterol/Regina George: Tsukishima  
> YamaGUCCI: Yamaguchi  
> Gay: Kageyama  
> Gayer: Hinata   
> ThePurestBean: Yachi 
> 
> PieceOfShitSadist: Oikawa  
> NiceGuy: Kuroo  
> OwlCity: Bokuto  
> Left: Ushijima
> 
> AkaaShootMe: Akaashi

[16:38]

RollingThunder™️: why the fuck did Aoba Johsai have to be at Starbucks and ruin my morning 

Smarter Than You: because Yamaguchi posted Tsukishima dying on his snapchat story 

High Cholesterol: the fuck does that have to do with anything 

Gayer: who wouldn’t want to see Tsukishima choking to death at 7am in person 

Goatee: a rare opportunity 

High Cholesterol: …

OGDaddy: speaking of which Kuroo told me to tell you to open your streaks Tsukishima.   
OGDaddy: though it’s probably gonna be 30 seconds of him laughing at you

High Cholesterol: exactly why I’m not going to open it

RollingThunder™️: wait Tsukishima does streaks? No way

OGDaddy: that was my exact reaction

High Cholesterol: it wasn’t even intentional. We were talking and he kept sending me snaps and then the streak started

Gayer: how many days tho

High Cholesterol: I dunno like 140+

Gayer: that’s even higher than mine and Kenmas tf

OGMom: Tsukishima actually has another friend this is adorable 

High Cholesterol: …

YamaGUCCI: its not just him. He has 2 other streaks with Fukurodani’s setter and ace

Gayer: WAhat! I’m jealous 

Dad2.0: wahat

High Cholesterol: wahat

YamaGUCCI: wahat

Gayer: enough

Gay: firstly who changed my name and secondly don’t u have a gc with vodka and pudding

Goatee: “vodka”

OGMom: “pudding”

Gayer: that’s russianist

High Cholesterol: ‘russianist’

Dad2.0: I changed ur names because y’all gay af 

Smarter Than You: ^

Dad2.0: Tanaka you’re gay af too don’t

Goatee: arent we all gay af tho 

RollingThunder™️: im not gay af tbh

Goatee: take a shot every time someone says gay af

OGMom: 5 shots isn’t even a lot 

Goatee: it is if u mix ygm

OGMom: oh shit u rite

OGDaddy: Jesus Christ Asahi it’s only 4 in the afternoon and stop giving the 1st years ideas 

Goatee: its never too early to drink your pain away 

OGMom: ^

Smarter Than You: ^

Dad2.0: ^

RollingThunder™️: ^

High Cholesterol: ^

YamaGUCCI: ^

BestGirl: ^

OGDaddy: jesus what is wrong with you lot 

OGDaddy has changed Goatee to Recovering Alcoholic

Recovering Alcoholic: not really recovering but this works 

RollingThunder™️ has changed Karasuno’s Volleyclub 4 Loners to Depressed Alcoholics

Recovering Alcoholic: this works too

Dad2.0: I just realised that we never stick to one topic on this fucking gc

OGMom: one topic? Dunno her 

ThePurestBean: speaking of, Kageyama never   
finished his story about the events that took place last night 

Gayer: Yachiii shhhhhh we agreed not to bring that up

Gay: look at the time. It’s time for my milk break 

Gay has gone offline 

High Cholesterol: milk break

RollingThunder™️: Shoyo finish the story 

Gayer: look at the time. It’s time for me to ummmm yh bye

Gayer has gone offline 

Dad2.0: smooth

Dad2.0: something is definitely going on between them 2

OGDaddy: yeah no kidding.  
OGDaddy: Tsukishima, Yamaguchi, Yachi. Do some investigating 

High Cholesterol: why me. I couldn’t care less if I tried 

YamaGUCCI: lies. U made a bet with me over who would ask who out before New Years 

High Cholesterol: Shut up Yamaguchi

OGDaddy: im asking u guys because you’re all in the same year

ThePurestBean: but we are in different classes 

OGMom: everyone is in mixed ability classes for PE tho amirtie 

YamaGUCCI: yh u rite

High Cholesterol: im not willingly going out of my way to talk to those idiots 

YamaGUCCI: what about the bet

High Cholesterol: …

OGDaddy: just talk to them and I’ll do some of my own investigating 

OGMom: how tho?

——

[17:21] 

Aye Aye Captain group chat

OGDaddy: Oikawa quick question 

PieceOfShitSadist: ?

OGDaddy: is Kageyama gay?

Lefty: hes Oikawa’s junior. It’d be weird if he was straight 

PieceOfShitSadist: whats that supposed to mean?!? And I dunno probably why?

NiceGuy: r him and the shorty boning?

OwlCity: oof

OGDaddy: jesus I knew I shoulda just sent a dm y’all are no help 

PieceOfShitSadist: sorry jeez I don’t know everything about Tobio

OGDaddy: ask him?

PieceOfShitSadist: ur his captain u ask him

NiceGuy: thatd be too suspicious ig 

OwlCity: ^

Lefty: ^

OGDaddy: ^

PieceOfShitSadist: omfg fine I’ll ask ugh 

NiceGuy: keep us updated. I want tea 

OwlCity: this^

PieceOfShitSadist: ofc ofc

Lefty: you people are terrible 

OGDaddy: you’re literally like best friends with a shit talking devil

Lefty: What Tendou says and does is not my responsibility plus don’t you have Regina George on your team?

OwlCity: lololol he called Tsukki Regina George I’m goneeeee

NiceGuy: I mean, he’s not wrong.

OwlCity: true true true 

OGDaddy: Oikawa u still there???

NiceGuy: the boi is gone™️

——

[17:39]

Ultimate Polygamy Group Chat

NiceGuy has changed High Cholesterol to Regina George 

Regina George: …

Nice Guy: I wasn’t the one who came up with it

OwlCity: ^

Regina George: …

AkaaShootMe: it suits you Tsukishima

Regina George: I don’t deserve this disrespect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dunno what’s happening anymore. I should be doing summer asignments but lolnahhhhhhhh


	5. Spy Kids

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [20:43]
> 
> PieceOfShitSadist sent a photo to Aye Aye Captain
> 
> PieceOfShitSadist: he aired my messages ghhhghsj
> 
> NiceGuy: oof
> 
> Lefty: I don’t blame him. It was too blunt 
> 
> PieceOfShitSadist: says you you fucking hypocrite 
> 
> OwlCity: i-its not like I wanna fuck you or anything baka
> 
> NiceGuy: lmaooooo
> 
> Lefty: lol
> 
> PieceOfShitSadist: I hate y’all sm Sawamura why are you friends with these people 
> 
> OGDaddy: I ask myself everyday…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven’t updated in like 2 weeks I’ve been busy 
> 
> OGDaddy: Dachi  
> OGMom: Suga  
> Recovering Alcoholic : Asahi  
> BestGirl: Shimuzu  
> RollingThunder™️: Noya  
> Dumbest/Smarter Than You: Tanaka  
> Dad2.0: Ennoshita  
> Regina George : Tsukishima  
> YamaGUCCI: Yamaguchi  
> Gay: Kageyama  
> Gayer: Hinata   
> ThePurestBean: Yachi 
> 
> NiceGuy: Kuroo  
> OwlCity: Bokuto  
> PieceOfShitSadist: Oikawa  
> Lefty: Ushijima   
> AkaShootMe: Akaashi  
> DepressedGamer: Kenma

PieceOfShitSadist to Gay 

[19:58]

PieceOfShitSadist: Tobio are you gay?

Gay: yeah someone changed my username

PieceOfShitSadist: that’s.. not what I. ffs

Gay: oh… 

PieceOfShitSadist: hhhhhhhh

Gay: um why r u asking me that

PieceOfShitSadist: no reason. Just wanted to know if my beloved junior was gay tbh

Gay: that is a reason

PieceOfShitSadist: istg don’t sass me. That’s my job

Gay: I don’t wanna answer that 

PieceOfShitSadist: god it’s not like I wanna fuck u Jesus Christ I’m just curious  
Read at 20:12

PieceOfShitSadist: Tobio istg don’t leave me on read  
Read at 20:14

PieceOfShitSadist: hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh   
Read at 20:14

PieceOfShitSadist took a screenshot of the chat 

——

[20:43]

PieceOfShitSadist sent a photo to Aye Aye Captain

PieceOfShitSadist: he aired my messages ghhhghsj

NiceGuy: oof

Lefty: I don’t blame him. It was too blunt 

PieceOfShitSadist: says you you fucking hypocrite 

OwlCity: i-its not like I wanna fuck you or anything baka

NiceGuy: lmaooooo

Lefty: lol

PieceOfShitSadist: I hate y’all sm Sawamura why are you friends with these people 

OGDaddy: I ask myself everyday…

NiceGuy: oh btw I asked Kenma to ask the shrimp if he swings the other way. I’ll tell y’all when he gets the tea

Lefty: you people are so serious about this non issue. But the first time I met them they seemed close anyway. There is chemistry between them

OwlCity: Ushiwaka ships it omg

Lefty: I never said that 

NiceGuy: didn’t have to 

PieceOfShitSadist: do you 2 always gang up on people or?

OwlCity: yup pretty much

NiceGuy: its bro culture 

OwlCity: brooooo

NiceGuy: brooooooo

OGDaddy: gag

——

DepressedGamer to Gayer 

[21:16]

DepressedGamer: Hey Shoyo have you ever had a girlfriend before 

Gayer: what y r u asking 

DepressedGamer: just a random question 

Gayer: umm no wbu?

DepressedGamer: no. Boyfriend?

Gayer: no… do you have 1? And why are u asking these questions 

DepressedGamer: curiosity. Do you like anyone rn?

Gayer: ummmmmmmmmm 

DepressedGamer: girl?

Gayer: no…

DepressedGamer: guy?

Gayer: …

DepressedGamer: your username suits you. Anyway thnx

Gayer: np   
Gayer: wait u nvr answered my question   
Read at 21:22

Gayer: Kenmaaaa  
Read at 21:26

Gayer: ;-;  
Read at 21:30

——

Depressed Alcoholics

[22:01]

RollingThunder™️ has removed Gay from the chat   
RollingThunder™️ has removed Gayer from the chat 

Smarter Than You: wait why

RollingThunder™️: bcz we literally spoke about the plans in the gc and they could have read it

Smarter Than You: smart

OGDaddy: I asked Oikawa to ask Kageyama if he was gay but he didn’t answer and Kuroo asked their setter to talk to Hinata but I dunno what happened yet

Regina George: y’all are even getting them involved? Jesus

YamaGUCCI: lolol who changed ur username to Regina George lmaooooooooooo

Regina George: Kuroo… though he said it wasn’t his idea

OGMom: who’s idea was it?

OGDaddy: Ushiwaka

Dad2.0: what a legenddddd

Recovering Alcoholic: gg   
Recovering Alcoholic: btw aren’t those 2 gonna get suspicious 

YamaGUCCI: yh they probably will. 

BestGirl: Then how about we just make a separate group chat then?

OGMom: good idea

——

BestGirl has created the group  
BestGirl has added OGMom, OGDaddy and 7 others to the chat 

RollingThunder™️: I feel like a spy now  
RollingThunder™️ has named the group Spy Kids

Regina George: no

ThePurestBean: no offence Tsukishima but I can’t take you seriously with that username 

YamaGUCCI: I can’t take him seriously regardless 

Regina George: istg

Recovering Alcoholic: what if they find out tho

Dad2.0: its Hinata and Kageyama we’re talking about 

Recovering Alcoholic: good point 

——

NiceGuy to DepressedGamer

[22:28] 

NiceGuy: yo Kenmaaaa what’d he sayyyy

DepressedGamer: he has a crush on someone   
DepressedGamer: and it’s probably a guy

NiceGuy: ah young love 

DepressedGamer: Kuroo please 

——  
Aye Aye Captain 

[22:49]

Owl City: sooooooo? Did he reply 

NiceGuy: yeah Hinata is single 

OGDaddy: ofc he is that’s not what we wanted to know 

NiceGuy: waitt im not done   
NiceGuy: he also has a crush apparently 

Lefty: and?

NiceGuy: jesus you’re all impatient   
NiceGuy: anyway I don’t know who but Kenma thinks it’s a guy

PieceOfShitSadist: gayyyyyy

Lefty: says you 

PieceOfShitSadist: shushhh

OGDaddy: oh now I can report back to our new gc

OwlCity: ooh add us Sawamura I want tea directly 

NiceGuy: ^

Lefty: ^

PieceOfShitSadist: ^ and I thought you didn’t care Ushiwaka

Lefty: who doesn’t love tea?

PieceOfShitSadist: tru tru

NiceGuy: yo Sawamura u gonna add us or?

OGDaddy: jesus fucking Christ

——

Spy kids

[23:21]

OGDaddy added NiceGuy, OwlCity and 2 others to the chat

OwlCity: whats crackalaking home frys

Regina George: please neck yourself 

OwlCity: mean!

NiceGuy: don’t be mean Tsukishima Kei I didn’t raise you to be rude to others. Especially your father

Regina George: bitch you ain’t even raised me please you aren’t my dad 

OwlCity: you don’t even recognise my hard work ;-; u ungrateful fucking brat

OwlCity has gone offline

NiceGuy: Sawamura discipline your kids 

Recovering Alcoholic: didn’t u say u raised him like 2 seconds ago

NiceGuy: I didn’t raise a pussy ass bitch

YamaGUCCI: hhhhhhhhh

OGDaddy: Ive made a big mistake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got my GCSE results back and your bitch passed everything. Mostly 8s fammmm. Anyway I’ll try to update more regularly


	6. Orgy???

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> RollingThunder™️ has changed Recovering Alcoholic to Post Malone
> 
> Post Malone: at least I’m successful ;-;
> 
> OGMom: yh but u look musty as hell 
> 
> Post Malone: ;-;
> 
> RollingThunder™️ has changed Post Malone to Musty™️
> 
> Musty™️: enough

Chapter 6 since I lost the old chapter 6

— —

Spy Kids

[01:49]

NiceGuy: I’m goin to McDonald’s y’all want anything?

OwlCity: can I get uhh 🅱️oneless 🅱️izza 

NiceGuy: dead meme   
NiceGuy: but seriously do y’all want smmn or nah

OGDaddy: Kuroo it’s nearly 2am y tf are u going to McDonald’s 

NiceGuy: I want nuggets and they have a 24hr drive-thru where I live so it’s all good

OGDaddy: u drive?

OwlCity: barely

Regina George: you live in Tokyo. We live in Miyagi so how tf do u expect to bring that shit to us when it’s still warm 

NiceGuy: y so ungrateful? I’ll keep it hot with my mixtape. follow me on soundcloud @lil’richneko

OGDaddy: don’t. He forced me to listen to his 1 hour diss track to a guy who said his hair looks like shit

YamaGUCCI: was it any good tho?

OGDaddy: I still have nightmares 

PieceOfShitSadist: oof

NiceGuy: y’all are just haters when I’m touring the globe with Nicki Minaj you’ll wish you were me

Regina George: Nicki Minaj is trash 

BestGirl: wrong.

RollingThunder™️: this is why BestGirl is BestGirl.

NiceGuy: your manager is an intellectual

BestGirl: I don’t like guys.

NiceGuy: I? wasn’t? hitting? On? You?

Recovering Alcoholic: u people like Nicki? Shit taste.

Smarter Than You: who doesn’t?

Regina George: I

OGDaddy: I

OGMom: I

Dad2.0: I

Recovering Alcoholic: ^ see. Smart people 

Lefty: ok Post Malone

Recovering Alcoholic: ;-; I look nothing like him ;-;

OGMom: WHEEEZZZE

NiceGuy: lmaoooooooooo

OGDaddy: first Tsukishima now Asahi? Damn.

RollingThunder™️ has changed Recovering Alcoholic to Post Malone

Post Malone: at least I’m successful ;-;

OGMom: yh but u look musty as hell 

Post Malone: ;-;

RollingThunder™️ has changed Post Malone to Musty™️

Musty™️: enough

ThePurestBean: um no means of ruining this conversation but isn’t this gc for spying on Hinata and Kageyama.

Smarter Than You: wait that’s what this chats for?

Dad2.0: what tf did u think it was for?

Smarter Than You: idk just a gc without Hinata and kageyama cauze they annoying as fuck

PieceOfShitSadist: le rip

OGMom: true but still and btw Daichi u never told me u were adding other people to the chat

OGDaddy: well it kinda happened and they wouldn’t leave me alone if I didn’t 

NiceGuy: tis trye

OwlCity: trye

Lefty: trye

PieceOfShitSadist: trye

NiceGuy: enough and Sawamura give us captains admin privileges 

OGDaddy: y tf

OwlCity: coz we deserve it and I wanna add Akaashi 

NiceGuy: gay 

OwlCity: don’t act like u weren’t gonna add Kenma 

NiceGuy: that’s different cause he is like besties with chibi and we can get info from him directly 

Regina George: or u just want Hinata and kageyama to bone so that ur chances with Kozume increase and he’ll finally start noticing u

OGMom: !

OwlCity: ^^

NiceGuy: don’t. but Sawamura my guy r u gonna or nah

OGDaddy: am I going to regret this decision?

OwlCity: most definitely 

OGDaddy: eh I already regret being born so y not and I wanna die anyways  
OGDaddy has made NiceGuy, OwlCity and 2 others admins

OGMom: Daichi what the cuck

RollingThunder™️: what the cuck

Musty: what the cuck

BestGirl: what the cuck.

YamaGUCCI: what the cuck

Regina George: what the cuck

PieceOfShitSadist: WhAt ThE cUCk

NiceGuy: 🔱♓🅰🌴 🌴♓🎗 🌜⛎🌜🎋

OGMom: all of you kys 

OwlCity has added AkaaShootMe to the chat

OwlCity: AGKAAAAGSHI

AkaaShootMe: no

NiceGuy has added Depressed Gamer, Mother Russia and Not Short to the chat 

Depressed Gamer: Kuroo stop adding me to your random group chats I don’t want to join an orgy cult or buy weed

AkaaShootMe: he does that to you too?

Regina George: it gets tiring 

OGDaddy: ^

Mother Russia: ok but what’s an orgy and what is this 

Not Short: Kuroo istg don’t taint the first years with your bullshit you’ve already fucked over that lanky four-eyed first year from Karasuno

Regina George: ‘lanky four-eyed first year’

OwlCity: I mean he’s not wrong tho

AkaaShootMe: ^

Lefty has added MiracleBoii to the chat 

Regina George: oh fuck

OGDaddy: Ushijima why

Lefty: because I don’t want to be the only person from Shiratorizawa in here. A certain someone could have been but they chose to be a cuck.

PieceOfShitSadist: istg

Dad2.0 has changed PieceOfShitSadist to Cuck

Cuck: who tf

Dad2.0: not important.

Cuck has added GodzillazBae to the chat

Cuck: Iwa-chan defend me from these degenerates

GodzillazBae: who changed his name to Cuck?

OGMom: Ennoshita

GodzillazBae: dunno who that is but gg

Cuck: !

BestGirl: Top Ten Anime Betrayals.

Musty™️: Holy shit she memed

OGMom: gotta screenshot before she deletes it

MiracleBoii: sup sluts

Regina George: no

MiracleBoii: your username is literally Regina George you can’t say shit

Regina George: …touché 

OGDaddy: yh I already regret this and my blood pressure is going up so I’m going to sleep before I have a heart attack gn  
OGDaddy has gone offline.

NiceGuy: well shit I lowkey feel like this is my fault 

OGMom: it is your fault and now I’ve got to visit his house and make sure he’s not dead

Musty™️: awww 

OGMom: no  
OGMom has gone offline 

Dad2.0: rip…

——

[03:59]

ThePurestBean: are we just going to ignore the fact that Nekoma’s Captain has multiple group chats with drug dealers and orgy cult members.

Not Short: yes. Yes we are. We don’t claim him

BestGirl: Hitoka why do you know what an orgy is?

ThePurestBean: hahaha well you see   
ThePurestBean has gone offline 

Mother Russia: I still don’t know what that is 

Not Short: Lev go the fuck to sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok I tried to publish this chapter every month and it wouldn’t load so lemme try now. Also I will be posting a very late Halloween and Christmas special sorry for being inactive

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this train wreck of unfunny writing


End file.
